cancer survivor contemplation

it’s all a variation

December 31, 2019

2019 is done. 

My idea of what this year would be like after my cancer year of 2018 was not accurate. Not terrible, quite the contrary. But not what I thought life post-cancer would be like. It’s something that has driven me inward, silenced me. And I’m finding that many other cancer survivors have expressed similar sentiments. I’ve decided to shine a little light on that in the upcoming year through blogging. I have not given this stage of recovery the due it deserves and it’s become a roadblock. So I will give it a voice when it wants to be heard and hope that maybe it helps someone else feel understood and connected.

But that is not for today. Years ago I read a blogger that said she spends the last day of the year doing what she hopes to embrace in the upcoming twelve months. I like that idea. I’ve spent today writing my first magazine article in two years, really thinking about instituting a set of goals for myself and continuing to integrate organization into my daily life as a form of self care.

I also spent some time exploring variations of a wee little watercolor I made. It’s just an experiment but I’ve not been able to push it beyond what it is because the fluid movement of it….well, I find it captivating. I pushed it around in the digital world to see what it would look like if I pulled the colors apart or even removed them. I can see how making variations could become almost like a form of meditation.

Below is the version of the original watercolor with the colors super saturated and then the further variations that really drew me in.



It feels like a visual representation of 2019 for me. Everything moved around, recovers, shifts again, finds purchase in a new configuration and then slides again. I’m grateful for this year. For the space I’ve demanded for myself, for the understanding of those around me as I just needed to be.

I’m grateful for being part of your tribe. I’m grateful you let me visit with you through the blog. I’m grateful for this beautiful life and for all the things that are coming as time marches on.

Let’s make 2020 a good one.

where i stand sunday :: 05 january 2020

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